Hello,
I recently found this article by Randy Bennett, a licensed counselor and relationship expert, and wanted to share it with you.
In it he's giving away the equivalent of a free couples' counseling session by revealing what makes a relationship a success. It's simple but effective advice, that will make a big difference in your relationship or marriage. You can read it below.
Enjoy!
Samantha
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How to Unlock Your Man's Heart
The PERFECT couple.
We've ALL seen it.
It's THAT couple that seems blissfully in love...who look deeply and passionately into each other's eyes, completely intoxicated with each other's presence.
They talk, touch, and interact with each other as though there's NOTHING else in the world that matters...or even exists.
I'll go out on a limb here and say that you've no doubt seen the "perfect couple" like this and probably thought to yourself: "Why can't I have that?"
Maybe you've struggled to interact with your man the same way, only to have your gestures either totally ignored or worse...thrown back in your face.
If that's you, it's probably because there's ONE crucially important thing that you are NOT yet doing in your relationship.
But once you start doing this, you open the gates to a passionate, deeply fulfilling and loving relationship with your man...one that lasts.
Let me show you how...
How to Make Your Relationship the Envy of Your Friends...
There's no doubt that relationships can be complicated beasts...but that doesn't mean they can't be GREAT...you just have to follow the formula for success.
It's the SAME formula that those "perfect couples" you envy follow.
Here it is:
- Step 1: Learn what DESTRUCTIVE ingredients tear a relationship apart.
- Step 2: Look at what CONSTRUCTIVE ingredients make a relationship great.
- Step 3: Eliminate the destructive ingredients one by one.
- Step 4: Add the constructive ingredients one by one.
- Step 5: Rinse and repeat this process as your circumstances change.
The result?
A relationship that's truly fulfilling with a man who showers you with attention, love, respect, and caring...all without you having to twist his arm!
It sounds simple...and it is, in theory, but the devil is in the details of how exactly this all gets done.
Over the past 25 years in working with couples, I've been able to distill this process down to its most simple steps, some of which I want to share with you now.
The WORST Destructive Ingredient to Eliminate Immediately...
Let's first take a look at getting rid of what I've found is THE single worst destructive ingredient - and that's contempt.
What do I mean by "contempt"? Let me give you an example.
Okay, so you and your man have gotten into an argument.
Are you simply disagreeing or are you yelling and screaming at each other?
Is it getting personal?
Do you feel you are on the attack and he is on the defensive or vice versa?
Has anybody been brought to tears?
Arguments are okay, but when it starts to get personal, when you start attacking each other, putting each other down, showing contempt for each other, that's when a vicious cycle ensues.
With every action, there is a reaction. That's stepping over into a law of physics, but it applies here: if you say something in a certain tone of voice, you may get a response from your man that "matches" your tone of voice.
If you show contempt, he'll show contempt, and then you'll get into a destructive game of trying to one-up each other for the worst put down and then all bets are off.
This is a damaging cycle that you want to avoid at ALL costs.
So your first step is to immediately stop the contempt and personal attacks - this can be hard sometimes, especially if he's personally attacking you, but it's where this whole process HAS to start.
Instead of responding with an equivalent personal attack, what exactly ARE you supposed to do?
Well, glad you asked!
Add This Ingredient to Open Up Your Man's Heart...
You've probably heard the old saying, "You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar."
It means that there are two ways of saying something: one is sweet like honey; the other is tart like vinegar.
For example, if you're arguing and he says, "You know, you're really clingy," stop yourself from reacting defensively and trying to come up with your own zinger to "one-up" him. If you want to melt his heart, that's not the road to success.
Instead, go for the honey-sweet approach: take a deep breath, count to five... and then calmly say, "If you feel you need more space, then let's discuss that." You just threw him for a loop-but in a good way, because you're offering to consider his needs. You just took the heat out of his fire, and instead showed him you care. That will remind him that you're the dream girl he first fell in love with - warm, caring and loving.
I've found over the last 25 years that the #1
predictor of relationship success is the presence of these good, "honey"-style habits.
You can't necessarily directly control what your man says or how he reacts, but you DO have control over what YOU say and do.
And this ultimately indirectly influences how your man reacts and whether this is just a bump in the road or if it's going to turn into an unmitigated relationship disaster.
Do THIS to Enjoy a Honeymoon Forever...
To have a successful relationship, one that draws your man to you like a bee to honey, avoid those destructive relationship ingredients - such as tart words - and substitute them with a little honey.
The more you do this, the more likely your relationship will be successful - and the envy of your friends.
I want you to think over what destructive habits you may have right now that could inadvertently be tearing your relationship apart and driving your man away.
Then think about how you can respond instead with honey - it'll be tough at first because your initial reaction will be an emotional one, but over time, after practice, it'll become second nature.
It's not your fault: it's easy for couples to fall into bad relationship patterns.
Your man has his fair share of things he says and does that drive you away too, but you have the power to
influence him to do better.
Follow my advice and pretty soon, you and your man will be that "perfect couple" that everyone ELSE envies.
I wish you the best,
Randall E. Bennett, MA, LMFT, LCPC
